Thinking about the way he touched me. What he said. What I said. So different. And what was all of that? Why did I do it? He felt so comfortable to hold. And I love him dearly. But what happened is too sacred to be something I just did thoughtlessly. That part of our time together should be over. It felt like just pure affection, but seemed so wrong to me. I tried to stop it but it was too late, and I kept falling back into it. The line was crossed. I don’t know what to think. I guess when there’s love there, reason takes a back seat. It’s not the same as it used to be. I can feel that. It did come from love, but I didn’t express it the way I meant to. I hope I’m not like all of the girls Blue sings about. But I probably am. A mess. Confused. It probably looks so dirty on paper. Like I’m filthy. Not that it matters. Blue is beautiful, and I’m comforting him right now somehow. That’s all. But just for my own sake I want to act on nothing but the purest ways for him. Insane. I know. We are just friends. But I don’t want to do something that would make him think I’m grotesque. I am though. Obviously.

I’d prefer to stay anonymous, so I won’t be sharing my real name. Tomorrow is my birthday or technically today, since as I’m writing this, it’s 12:22 am, May 27, 2026. I’m turning 19. I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I keep thinking back to this memory of when I was a child back in Egypt where I’d play around in the balcony. Back then, we had this small house and, like every poor family in Egypt, our family air-dried our clothes, so we had ropes outside our balcony for this. When I was young, I liked to push myself on top of them and balance myself. I kept doing so until I almost fell once and my neighbor told me to get off. I always visit that memory and wish that I felt it then. I haven’t contributed anything meaningful to the world, I’ve only caused pain to family and friends, and honestly, I’m tired. If I wasn’t such a coward I’d have done the job already.

I surprisingly have made a few friends over the years. I don’t think they actually care about me as much as I thought, but at least someone knows I exist. There is this girl I like, or maybe liked. I tried asking her out a few times, which, btw, were probably the worst and most awkward ways a person has been asked out before in the history of humans. I regret a lot of things with her. One was getting so attached to someone without actually being in a relationship with them. Second is making her uncomfortable. It pains me every day that she sees me this way. I’m a very weird person. I believe I have Asperger syndrome. I wasn’t diagnosed by a doctor or psychiatrist, I had always wondered why I wasn’t normal like everyone else and did my own research, but I wasn’t completely sure I had it. Also, I didn’t want to be one of those annoying kids who try to get attention by telling everyone about their so-called depression and exaggerating stories. I had this English teacher, and she said she had it, so one day I scheduled a private meeting with her and asked her about it. Once I talked with her, I realized this is exactly who I am. I’m sitting in front of this woman who, mentally, is basically a carbon copy of myself. I also have ADHD, which is the one I asked my doctor about. I got prescribed Adderall for it, and it actually helped a lot. Temporarily, my grades got better, and I was actually able to focus on class, but it all came crashing down.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I am capable of feeling happiness or joy, I feel like I either just exist, or I’m sad. I don’t know any other emotions besides that. Currently, I’m a nursing student in New Mexico, USA. I have a 4.0 program GPA and a 3.7 overall GPA (took some history classes, not my best subject). I thought OKAY! Maybe focusing on this, and if I become a nurse and help people, I can feel happy or satisfied or proud or something, but nope.

I don’t really have anyone, Tbh I feel like my parents couldn’t care less about me. I haven’t had a single conversation with my parents since I was born, sometimes now, and I don’t understand it, my mom tries to act like a mom, not sure if that makes sense, like she tries to talk to me, but honestly it just makes me frustrated, and I don’t understand why. My father left us about 3–4 years back. I didn’t really care. All he did was hit my mom, brother, and I. He tries to get in contact me every few months, but I couldn’t care less.

I want to go through with it, but I have a lot of responsibilities, even if I don’t like my family, my mother would have to be alone taking care of my brother with cerebral palsy if I was gone, I started a small nonprofit to help some people from the high school I graduated from, and I’m the one practically running everything so that wouldn’t be good. So I’m not sure.Hello, 

I’d prefer to stay anonymous, so I won’t be sharing my real name. Tomorrow is my birthday or technically today, since as I’m writing this, it’s 12:22 am, May 27, 2026. I’m turning 19. I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I keep thinking back to this memory of when I was a child back in Egypt where I’d play around in the balcony. Back then, we had this small house and, like every poor family in Egypt, our family air-dried our clothes, so we had ropes outside our balcony for this. When I was young, I liked to push myself on top of them and balance myself. I kept doing so until I almost fell once and my neighbor told me to get off. I always visit that memory and wish that I felt it then. I haven’t contributed anything meaningful to the world, I’ve only caused pain to family and friends, and honestly, I’m tired. If I wasn’t such a coward I’d have done the job already.

I surprisingly have made a few friends over the years. I don’t think they actually care about me as much as I thought, but at least someone knows I exist. There is this girl I like, or maybe liked. I tried asking her out a few times, which, btw, were probably the worst and most awkward ways a person has been asked out before in the history of humans. I regret a lot of things with her. One was getting so attached to someone without actually being in a relationship with them. Second is making her uncomfortable. It pains me every day that she sees me this way. I’m a very weird person. I believe I have Asperger syndrome. I wasn’t diagnosed by a doctor or psychiatrist, I had always wondered why I wasn’t normal like everyone else and did my own research, but I wasn’t completely sure I had it. Also, I didn’t want to be one of those annoying kids who try to get attention by telling everyone about their so-called depression and exaggerating stories. I had this English teacher, and she said she had it, so one day I scheduled a private meeting with her and asked her about it. Once I talked with her, I realized this is exactly who I am. I’m sitting in front of this woman who, mentally, is basically a carbon copy of myself. I also have ADHD, which is the one I asked my doctor about. I got prescribed Adderall for it, and it actually helped a lot. Temporarily, my grades got better, and I was actually able to focus on class, but it all came crashing down.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I am capable of feeling happiness or joy, I feel like I either just exist, or I’m sad. I don’t know any other emotions besides that. Currently, I’m a nursing student in New Mexico, USA. I have a 4.0 program GPA and a 3.7 overall GPA (took some history classes, not my best subject). I thought OKAY! Maybe focusing on this, and if I become a nurse and help people, I can feel happy or satisfied or proud or something, but nope.

I don’t really have anyone, Tbh I feel like my parents couldn’t care less about me. I haven’t had a single conversation with my parents since I was born, sometimes now, and I don’t understand it, my mom tries to act like a mom, not sure if that makes sense, like she tries to talk to me, but honestly it just makes me frustrated, and I don’t understand why. My father left us about 3–4 years back. I didn’t really care. All he did was hit my mom, brother, and I. He tries to get in contact me every few months, but I couldn’t care less.

I want to go through with it, but I have a lot of responsibilities, even if I don’t like my family, my mother would have to be alone taking care of my brother with cerebral palsy if I was gone, I started a small nonprofit to help some people from the high school I graduated from, and I’m the one practically running everything so that wouldn’t be good. So I’m not sure.