simply confess

I am working hard on cheating on my wife. My marriage is BS, I am staying in because the kids are my life. Every day I offer to pick the kids up from school to see Mia’s mom. She’s the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen. All last year I shaved and dressed nice and showered and smiled and said hi, I lost 30 lbs and got tan and ripped, I helped out with the school fundraiser, all to catch her eye. It worked. Why this woman has a self esteem problem I do not know, she is a perfect 20. I have huge balls apparently because I cold asked her for a playdate with my daughter, we went to the park a few times, then her house, then my house. Never a spouse around. Then something clicked, she started looking nervous, playing with her hair, staring. I emailed her in the middle of summer and asked her to go to the beach. She said yes. OMG. Best date of my life. Two weeks later she invites me to the pool at her club. OMG this girl is smoking hot. Texting every day. Asked her out for a drink. We’re both married. This is like cocaine, I never want it to stop. I don’t even need to sleep with her, I’m so happy to be this knocked out over a girl I can’t believe it!

ha ha fucker- here’s the deal. My friend S? I really did sleep with him- like 20 years ago when we were 15. But I don’t tell you because your a fucking faggo jealous freak and would probably strangle me if you knew. BUT I only lied because of the jealous insecure FAG that you are. Nothing would happen now. NOTHING. EVER. NOT IN A MILLION YEARS EVER. WE WERE KIDS. WE PUT THE PAST BEHIND US AND NOW WE’RE FRIENDS. But you? You’d never understand because you’re a pussy mama’s boy. And besides, you get to keep in touch with any and all women YOU’VE fucked. So I don’t know what your problem is other than YOU know that the only reason you stay in touch with them is for the prospect of fucking them again. So then, why else would S want to keep in touch with ME for right when that’s the only reason you keep in touch with your exes. You’re a fucking pig.

Well, here’s the deal again. I’m starting to hate you and actually can’t wait to be free of you. You’re a crybaby. A self centered 4 year old stuck in a grown man’s body. AND I HATE YOU. Thanks for being a great big dick over the last two years. Helped me realize how AWESOME I am on my own

My “normal” exterior is a facade.
I have the mind of a criminal.

Everyone I know thinks of me as a “good person”. I’ve been told I’m “sweet”. People like me; I don’t know why, and I don’t aim to make it happen, but it does.

My “good person” is a facade, a lie. Hell, I’m not even sure if I knew for sure what it actually MEANT to be a good person. I sometimes see myself as a monster. I sometimes daydream of being a serial killer.

*This is a long one, more of a story than an outright admission- sorry*

My friends and I get along really well, despite our differences. The biggest one is that they sometimes smoke pot and drink (we’re in college, ok?) and I refuse to touch the stuff. I don’t badger them about it; I’ll be designated driver if they want to get wasted, buy food if they’re high and have the munchies (they pay me back), and sometimes keep an eye on campus security for them.

Sometimes, they rib me about not partaking. I explain that I’m on a medication for my kidneys that makes it a bad idea to consume anything processed mostly by the kidneys or liver, and that drugs aren’t my thing anyways. Both of which are true, as are a couple of other excuses I toss in on occasion. What I admit, however, is my most potent reason for not doing so. I am wary of who I would become if my self-control was mitigated by something.

I regulate myself. I have controls and filters. Normally, they just keep me from doing stupid stuff like trying to backflip off a roof into a pool using a pogo stick. They also, however, restrain a part of me that I never let anyone see. I have a shadow, a “dark passenger” if you’ll excuse the Dexter reference, that I am aware of within me. Sometimes it is near the surface, sometimes hidden deep down. It’s not like a crazy person voices-in-my-head thing, more like a macabre influence, a personality within a personality.

I get inclinations to set things on fire; objects like mailboxes, cars, houses, and so on, and sometimes even animals like squirrels, bats, opossums, etc. I get urges to, without provocation, say or do things that I know full well will deeply hurt someone with whom I have no quarrel. Sometimes, if touching something, whether it be a fishing rod, a cat’s back, or a person’s hand, I get an impulse to crush, shatter or break it. I get inclinations to hurt, to maim, to kill, to damage, to knock down, and the like –all without anger or remorse. I have a side, my “dark passenger”, with a fascination with that which is sadistic, destructive, cruel, occasionally masochistic or even “evil”. However, I can control my dark passenger, my shadow self. I can push it back, and feel, act and think like a normal human being. Though I cannot get rid of it, I can restrain it. I can hide its influences until they abate, and I don’t have to pretend not to think or feel the way I do. My self control keeps me from becoming a monster; it keeps the dark passenger at bay, and from emerging at the surface.

I fear that using inhibition-relaxing substances will open the floodgates. I worry that, if my self-regulation is relaxed, the blockade keeping my dark passenger in check will fall. I am afraid that, if my self control slips, or my ability to watch and monitor myself is compromised in any way, I will lose power over my shadow. I believe that, if it shows though and escapes my control, that it might slowly become all that there is to me, so slowly that I don’t notice until it’s too late, at which point I will not be able to and no longer want to push it away. I think that, if I crossed the line, there would be no going back.

Overall, I am afraid of myself, or rather, part of myself, and what it would mean if I lost control and that part took over. That is the biggest reason why I do not partake; I do not want to do anything that would reduce my clarity of thought and relax my barriers and self-regulation. I know that a lie of omission is still a lie (even in US courts), and I am sorry, my friends, that I lie to you. I would, however, prefer to have to live with my self-doubt and the discomfort of half-truths, hiding my dark passenger, than risk losing to my demons.

I just realized that lies and truths feel the same. I perceive no difference in my thinking style/emotions/whatever whether I am remembering or imagining.

A lie:
So easy,
how unsettling.

My life is a lie, I cut myself because my boyfriend left me, not because I heard voices, not because i saw people, but because I wanted attention and I thought it was fun. Now people think i have hallucinations when really, its all a lie.

several years back I was so bored that I created an extra hotmail account and said that it was a family friend so I’ve known him forever. My friend from school believed it and got really attached to him and all. I tried to end it but she kept asking me about him so I just made up more lies of “him” travelling cause his parents separated and then to truly end it I killed “him” .. I said “he” died in a car accident.
I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I just didn’t tell my friend that “he” was just a prank before it got serious and kept making the lie bigger & bigger, or the fact that I acted so depressed when he “died” =S =S

I used to go to so many anon confession sites and confess lies

and even with different personalities (and gender) each time!

a lot of people used to interact and comment, and this thing encouraged me to go further and lie more!

I guess what i was doing was totally wrong and unacceptable

one last thing, i was not actually telling lies, most of the things i used to confess was true, but i used to add some decoration (or dressing) to it so it would be more appealing to the fellow readers

do i deserve forgiveness?

Yesterday I got one of my random angry outburst while on my dads laptop. my mom and my sister were also downstairs, I was getting pretty mad because they kept on nagging me about something while I was playing bookworm (lol) so, I randomly threw the mouse at the screen (stupid) (don’t judge), it felt good. but then I realized that the lcd had just been cracked. the colors were all funky and there was a big black line across the screen, I could no longer see anything on the screen. I said, “OH , NO”. “uh,what the heck happened”. Like I didn’t have a clue what just happened. my mom said, ” how this happen, I said “I don’t know”. “maybe, it cracked when I was coming down stairs”, or that is was probably already cracked and just got worst while I was on the thing. she believed me. my sister questioned me, I was to good of a liar, so she believed me to (kinda). eventually my mom called my dad who was on a business trip in Kansas about what happened. I told him the same story. he said he isn’t mad and that ill have to pay to replace the screen. HE WASN’T MAD! The only reason I lied was because I knew he would get mad, and I have screwed up recently in the past so bad that I didn’t wont to get into anymore trouble or make my parents more mad, the truth is I had one of my stupid uncontrolled anger things happen, and they don’t like when I break things out of anger, so I lied. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but all my lies have caught up with me and this is just bothering me. I feel so bad

It all started july, last year. i was interning at a language center, there when i crushed on m. a teacher there, and just before confessing everything, i am a 17 year old girl. so anyhow, i crushed madly on m. he’s 23 years old. after a while, i told him, or i guess he knew anyway, because i was obvious and i am a person who doesn’t know how to hide her feelings and emotions!!. when he knew, he didn’t really do anything about it, wasn’t interested i must say, but we kept talking and chatting online just like friends, we were pretty close. then comes august, september, then goes october, i somehow also crushed on l. (m.’s younger brother!) l. was also working in the same center and we were friends as well. early october, i traveled and saw my step cousin, so we aren’t blood related, he is 7 months older than me, so not much. we saw each other after all of these years (10 years probably) and he looked really handsome. i was shocked! so then when i got back to my country, i looked him up on facebook, and found him! so i added him and sent him a message saying that let’s get in touch and all. so that happened, and a little more!! days passing and it was all okay, we were chatting like friends, really close ones. one day, he says ” Girl i like you, i really do”. and there came the bigger shock! i didn’t expect that at all! and the sad thing that i didn’t have feelings for him at all, so i just told him to wait so i can think about it, because he obviously asked me to be his girlfriend (in a long distance relationship ). a couple of days later he asked me the question again, and again i told him to just wait, i can’t make such a decision that quick. then he got all upset and he was like “tell me now or just forget me forever”, i didn’t want to lose him, so i said yes! but the feelings weren’t true, and he knew so but liked the idea of me being his girl anyways. however, we kept fighting a lot, and over the silliest things. then one day, i was really down because i was sexually harassed by a lesbian girl in my school (she bit my neck!! ew ). he felt there was something wrong with me, so he asked me to tell him what was bothering me, and i told him the whole story, he’s my boyfriend after all, and i really liked him anyways (in a best friend way ). so when he heard the story, his reaction was …”lol”!! now what the hell? i swear i was about to cry and when he laughed my eyes went all teary, then he started to make fun of the situation that i had and laughing his *** about it. it really surprised me because i was serious and he wasn’t, so then my tears dropped, and when i told him that i was crying he was again making fun of me and the lesbian girl. i was so pissed and just broke up with him immediately. in the same time, i was talking with l. and he told me that he knows that i was crushing on him and i couldn’t deny that fact, so i said yes knowing that he was in an open relationship. the next day, i was talking with l. just randomly, then out of nowhere he asked me to be his girlfriend, my jaw dropped to the floor! of course i said yes! i was so happy about it. it was also right on his birthday, so i felt really special somehow. day by day, i liked l. more and more, and still was crushing on his brother m. somehow! so passing the days into november, the conversations between m. and i were getting a little bit intimate somehow, and we started to flirt each other without l. knowing. but with all that m. didn’t want to be in a relationship anyways. so he didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend and also he didn’t know that i was his brother’s girlfriend (l. didn’t want m. to know for some reasons, they hate each other !) so anyways, it kept happening, flirtations with l.’s brother and in a relationship with l. himself, it was so complicated, i don’t know how my consciousness let me do that honestly. goes november, december, then comes january 2009. again my family and i visited my step family and traveled to **** (they live abroad). so i saw my step cousin again, after we haven’t talked for about 3-4 months. his eyes were so dreamy looking at me. we always kept smiling when we saw each other, (we stayed in their house for 3 days – the weekend). one day, i was upstairs just listening to music on my ipod, no one was upstairs. out of nowhere, i saw my step cousin in the living room setting on the couch in the dark! the door of the living room was open, so i just saw him when i turned my head towards that room. i saw him looking at me and smiling, my heart went racing and i just simply smiled back, then we kept glancing at each other every now and then. after a while, he asked me to go to him for a little bit. he whispered, “psst, come here” and i just went there, then i was like “what?” then he stood up and asked me, “haven’t you always been waiting to just hug me tight?” i giggled and said “oh yes, but it’s okay!”. then he just hugged me tight, i didn’t push him because it honestly felt so good, (and he was the first guy i ever hug by the way ) i just smiled and hugged him back. my heart went crazy at that moment. then when he let go of me, he actually asked ” ***** can i kiss you?”!! i was like what the hell? lol! but that was between me and myself! then i just said, “where?”, he said “your sweet lips” then i was surprised and said “no, sorry” (by then he didn’t know i had a boyfriend already.) . he responded “oh, okay … how about your cheek? please?” then i awkwardly looked into his eyes with a “wtf?” look and just said “okay”. he reached to me and kissed my cheek, it felt nice i must say, then suddenly he reached to my lips and kissed them so damn passionately, that was my very first kiss ever, it was so perfect, i wasn’t thinking about my boyfriend back in my country, i just forgot everything and felt like flying, i kissed him back. then we heard someone coming, i went downstairs, and he hurried to his bedroom. the next day, he texted me, asking me to go downstairs at 4 am and i blindly did. we had the most amazing “make-out” ever! after that day, i headed back to my country and kept what happened there a secret from my boyfriend. and we just kept talking normally, mean while, i got back to my step cousin and i was his girlfriend too! i felt like living a doubled life and it wasn’t a good feeling at all, i couldn’t stand it and i just told my boyfriend l. that i cheated on him! he was so shocked and heartbroken. i didn’t know what to do or say, then he decided to give me another chance and forgave me. however, one day he found out that i had another bf and so my step cousin also knew about l. then the three of us got into a conference chat and they kept fighting for me and each one saying they wanted me, but then my step cousin said that he wanted me happy and he let me go to l. so he kind of gave up on me. then i just asked them to give me some time to think about, and they did. then i went to both of them and told them that i chose them!!i was so greedy and i wanted them both. this time i managed to keep both of them mine without anyone of them knowing about the other, however one day, l. saw his brother’s m. mobile and saw a text from me to him saying i wish i could cuddle with him and all. he was very pissed and wanted to break up with me, then i kept begging him not to do so and told him that the message was old and i was stupid, i kept apologizing. and m. and i truly had a huge fight after a couple of weeks about some issues and i never talked to him afterwards. after 2 weeks, l. forgave me again. later on, my step cousin told me that his neighbor is in love with him, and i got extremely jealous and i fought for him with her ( he liked her too!) but i won the fight! and i got both l. and my step cousin for me. then after a while, i lost contact of my step cousin and we just broke up again. then it was just me and l. i finally felt comfortable and in peace. may 2009, one day and all of a sudden, l. tells me he never fell in love with me in the first place, he told me that the day before my final exam. i was shocked and i couldn’t study well, my world turned upside down and i hated him so bad. i ended it. three weeks later, he called me asking me to forgive him and just give him another chance, i said no at first but then he kept begging, then i agreed, he asked me to meet him somewhere and i did. he said he just wanted to talk nothing else. then when i saw him, we talked, talked and talked, then he asked me to be his girlfriend again. i was silent for a moment, then i said “no, i can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me as he said he does” he looked to the floor and actually cried. i felt bad for him, but i stuck to my answer. then he leaned to my face and kissed me! i felt too numb to push him away, so i kissed him back. and we made out, and got back together. he changed a lot for me and he became a better man, i truly appreciated him and loved him a lot, but obviously he didn’t love me back, but he did like me a lot, he just didn’t fall in love with me just yet!. late july, 2009, it was the summer and my family and i traveled and again, of course i saw my step cousin, we lived in a flat above theirs in that country, we rented 2 flats. this time we stayed for a whole month. four days after our arrival, my step cousin and i got back together again! and we made out again all of that without l. knowing. then the other day i was talking with l. on the phone, and i seriously felt like he was my best friend not lover, because i guess we lost the passion somehow. so he felt that there was something wrong, and he asked me about it, i just told him “honestly, this isn’t feeling right, i seriously feel like you are my best friend not lover, i don’t know, i really love you as my friend” that’s when he got really upset, and those feelings were true, my feelings for him kept vanishing somehow, that’s when i knew i didn’t fall in love with him because if it was love it wouldn’t have just vanished like that. i think that just was major crush or “likeness”! so we broke up (l. and i). now i was left with one boyfriend finally, with my step cousin. since then, i really love him, or i must say like him too much because i don’t think i know what love is, not just yet! i lost contact of l. of course, and i really committed to my step cousin this time, i deleted every guy on my facebook and messenger. i just finally felt loyal and faithful. early september till this day (21st september) i didn’t hear much from my step cousin, it’s like he just disappeared. i tried everything to get in touch with him, but it’s not working. i wonder why.. now, i am just having a little patience and staying loyal and faithful to him.

I hate Chuck Norris and I always defame him in my college.